Let's count my fortune

Sarcasm right there!

I'd rather say, let's count the number of misfortunes that I've so far encountered over these 7 months of 2009. You know it's kinda funny how we always focus on the bad things in life when the good things are still always there.
From the beginning of the year, there has just been a number of things that I have faced and now I just wanna give up and don't wanna face anything anymore. We can't always have the good things in life but I don't want anymore turmoil! With all this bitching about the bad stuff, I tend to take the good things in life for granted. Good things do happen to me and sometimes I just feel like a spoilt brat when things don't go my way. Say, I want a laptop. I got the laptop. I want this and that, I get it. I guess I am really selfish. Material things can't keep me happy for long. The number of times I went shopping this year just to make me happy.
I guess 2009 is just a turning point for me. God throws everything out in the open for me to fight and accomplish. I guess I don't wanna do this anymore. Every time I come to anything religious, it's like I don't want to believe anymore. I guess I pray for the wrong things because they're never gonna come true anyway. As much as people say "have faith," what's there to have faith for. It's not like we can turn back the clocks and relive everything. Remake everything that didn't work so everything would be ok. Life just doesn't work that way.
See how I always complain about the bad things in life when there are good things as well. Like how nice Vi's BBQ gathering was. And it's good to see everyone planning stuff for the girls to get together. But now it's just jammed altogether. So I decided that I don't wanna do a birthday dinner anymore because everyone's just organising stuff and it's not like that could afford another outing. So yeah just stuff it. Probably the reasons why I never make a birthday is because there are always other things before my birthday seeing as it's holidays and I have that fear of noone turning up. LOL. But yeah I guess that again is just one of my security things. I just push all that into putting up a happy face and make the most of everything I have. Ahhh, so good at being fake.
And then there's other things in my life like my dad's ongoing illness. It's kinda scary studying Psychology, only to find that some symptoms described in my text book is symptoms that my dad shows. It's so difficult living with him. But then again he's been like this for a few years. I guess I just want that freedom of not having to look after someone who's disabled :( Wish life could be much different.

Anyway just gotta focus on all the positives in life. Even if I have to put on a fake smile :)
Good night.